OK, today’s a big day. Today marks Day One of the next cycle for an egg transfer down in Denver. I am ON it. I am going to be absolutely fanatical during this process. I’m not missing my medicine by one second. Vitamins. No wine. Plenty of sleep. Accupuncture…even accupuncture. I’m leaving no stone unturned.

I have two decent quality embryos that we RE-FROZE after the last transfer….only at CCRM, the people are miracle workers….and 12 fertilized eggs that we froze very early, at day 2. We will thaw them out and hope to get one blastocyst from that group and then we hope, hope, hope that one of the thawed out embryos make it through thawing again.

Please…oh, please…

If…and that’s a big if…anything continues to grow or survives thawing, then we’ll do a transfer and I will be tiptoeing around here and generally treating myself like a piece of fine china.

You see how long shot this all is, don’t you?

It is. It’s very long shot.

Like a boy scout, I am hoping for the best and preparing for the worst. What if I have no success with this round? That will be FIVE failed rounds of IVF with no companion for baby J. As much as I would love to hold another Square baby, I am getting more practical. We need another younger child in the house. Baby J will be in fourth grade when D goes off to college–fourth grade! He needs a companion, whether that’s through birth or adoption. He turns three in June. I turn 40 in November.

I’m not sure of many things but I am sure that we have someone missing here.

That’s why I am moving forward with everything I can right now. Domestic adoption (I have an appointment with a lawyer next week who specializes in private domestic adoptions), international adoption (I just filled out the first form to begin the process), and I have an appointment with the good Dr. Schoolcraft on Tuesday to discuss donor eggs.

I really hope I’m a good candidate for donor eggs because that way I would carry the baby, give good prenatal care, great nutrition…or, mostly great nutrition…does chorizo nachos count as good nutrition?…and we’d all be there for the birth. Jeff is still wrapping his mind around donor eggs. I think it feels creepy for men, like some kind of panic button I-am-getting-some-other-woman-pregnant-and-I”m married! kind of thing. I’m way over that. I just want someone in small jammies in my arms.

It’s true that it wouldn’t be my egg and that really blows but at least with a donor egg, it’s a happy story. There’s no poverty of loss or abandonment. Just one women helping out another and a baby who is very wanted coming into the world…

Plus, let’s be honest….I just really want more of Jeff in this world. This baby would bring more Jeff into the world.

That makes me very, very happy.

Sincerely, with a plan,