Dear Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds,

I hope this letter finds you well. I don’t have much time to write this morning as I have the packers arriving in a few hours.

I am already up because Iast night I read that Donald Trump is describing the economy as a “ depression ” and I was consumed with worry for the economy, for my friends, for my favorite mom and pop businesses, and my favorite little restaurant all night long. That’s a scary word, depression. What economic times we are living in, Mr. President, Chairman, and CEO….stock market collapsing, record levels of business contraction, credit markets completely frozen.

And now…that storm of criticism over executive pay levels .

It’s a tough time to be a Chairman, President, and CEO, isn’t it, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds?

Anyway, to distract myself, I was enjoying some very low-cost web-surfing and I happened upon a cache of images of the world taken at night.

There, I made a startling discovery.

Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, whether or not you realize it, you apparently have a soulmate far across the Pacific Ocean.

A man who also has multiple titles, rules with an iron fist, remains impervious to the demands of the modern, outside world, and, most importantly, a man who believes in restricting access to utilities.


After quick use of translation software, I was shocked to discover that…that…the words “Dear Leader” in Korean actually l iterally translate s to the words “President, Chairman, and CEO” in English.

Oh my God.

It all makes perfect sense now.

Finally, I now know that Puget Sound Energy has Average Nor th Korean Non-Military Citizen Customer Service.

To brand Puget Sound Energy as merely Soviet-Style Customer Service was woefully naive, a mistake I acknowledged when I attempted to clumsily bribe your Rural African Warlord Customer Service .

You rejected my petty, inadequate, and ill-informed offers, as well you should have.

Then, more out of frustration than any real analysis, I compared Puget Sound Energy under your leadership to the Taliban with my letter about your Woman Seeking Driver’s Licence In Taliban-Controlled Territory Customer Service.

Now while it is true that Puget Sound Energy and the Taliban are both quasi-governmental organizational entities that rule with absolute authority, the Taliban only severely discriminates against women and adulterers and people who worship false idols and listen to music or Western radio or wear pants that are too narrow or who have beards that are too short.

Puget Sound Energy, by contrast, will provide horrible customer service to anyone.

You and Puget Sound Energy are an equal-opportunity horrible customer service organization.

Clearly, not a fair comparison.

For the Taliban.

No, Dear Leader Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, President, Chairman, and CEO, under your leadership and direction, Puget Sound Energy is clearly an impressive force that requires my full attention and respect.

I know now that your resistance to turn on my gas service after a mere 8 months of negotiations is only so that you can provide power to our glorious fighters protecting the homeland families who need the gas service more than we do.

Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, Most Glorious Leader, I humbly beg your mercy on this most important occasion.

In less than 24 hours, we will be moving our personal goods in the condo.

Without the gas service from Puget Sound Energy we will have no hot water and no ovens or rangetop for cooking.

While I know that all your decisions and efforts on our behalf are to further the aims of the Great-Counterrevolutionary work of our forefathers, I beg that you accept my apologies for my previous letters and allow your comrades on the gas committee to turn on the gas to my condo.

In exchange, I will enlist a well-fed Jeff in your Revolutionary Army for a period of one year, provide you with the complete catalogue of Elizabeth Taylor movies, several cases of Johnny Walker Blue Label, and I will institute a condo-wide ban on any viewing of or references to Team America.

Power To The People and the Glorious Revolution!