Dear Mr. Reynolds,

I hope this finds you well. It’s the weekend and I assume that you are doing an important President, Chairman, and CEO activity this morning. Playing golf, perhaps, or reading a copy of The Wall Street Journal. Maybe you are on an international business trip meeting with important international business clients. In China. Because everybody knows China i s where it’s happening .

I get you, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds. You are one sharp cookie with all this business stuff.

That is why it disappoints me so, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, to have to write this second letter.

Yesterday I wrote you to explain my concern with your SOVIET-STYLE CUSTOMER SERVICE.

Today, after yet another day of difficulty in penetrating and navigating the bureaucracy of Puget Sound Energy, I am afraid that I must tell you that I am downgrading your customer service from SOVIET-STYLE CUSTOMER SERVICE to RURAL AFRICAN WARLORD CUSTOMER SERVICE, which is the lowest ranking I can give you.

I made this downgrade after serious consideration, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds. I want you to know that I didn’t take this lightly.

After some thought, I realized that to compare your organization’s customer service to Soviet-era customer service was insulting.

To the Soviets.

Sure, you might have had to stand in line for toilet paper and there was a seven year wait for an apartment, but the Soviet system also produced world class scientists, musicians, and athletes. There was achievement, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds. There were results of some kind or another. The Soviets sent someone into space, for god’s sake.

So, to compare Puget Sound Energy to the Soviet system is clearly not a fair comparison and I issue a public apology to all Soviets who might be reading this open letter.

No, I believe that Puget Sound Energy’s customer service is much more like that of a RURAL AFRICAN WARLORD. Total control, zero accountability.

I must admit, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, in some ways this is an enormous relief.

I have been doing some reading this morning to prepare myself for writing this letter and it is my understanding that bribery is the main mechanism in primitive economies for getting things done.

This does not scare me, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, not one little bit. I need the gas turned on in my new place as soon as possible. I have children who need warm water for baths and a kitchen that is capable of producing hot food. I am ready to do what it takes to strike a deal with you, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds.

After much evaluation, here is my offer to you. In exchange for turning on the gas to my condo in the brand-new gas line with the meter in the place that representatives from your organization approved in April of last year and now cannot be turned on for some unknown reason that no one in your organization is willing to explain or even troubleshoot or even return our phone calls about, in exchange for turning on the gas to that apartment, I am willing to make a “gift” of items befitting the President, Chairman, and CEO of an organization with RURAL AFRICAN WARLORD CUSTOMER SERVICE .

My offer is this:

1) A new Mercedes SUV with bullet proof windows and a installed DVD player (the DVD player plays a bigger part, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, read on for details).

2) A case…. (according to the briefing papers from the World Bank I read this morning, “case” is the operative unit of measurement for bribes. I don’t really know what it means, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, as I am new to your RURAL AFRICAN WARLORD CUSTOMER SERVICE. Fear not. For gas service, I’m willing to make it a s*&tload.)… a case, then, of Kalashnikov rifles, also known as AK-47s. The real ones, not those fake Chinese ones that jam all the time because I know you are a discerning customer, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds.

3) A case of Jack Daniels. Blue label.

4) A case of pornographic DVD movies to suit a variety of tastes, provided it is between consenting adults and legal to film in the US.

5) 2 new wives.

6) 6 goats.

7) A case of world-class cigars.

I think, Mr. Stephen P. Reynolds, that you will find this is a most generous offer.

I hope you will accept my gifts and that we can make arrangements for my gas service as soon as possible.

Best wishes for your continued health and success, Mr. President, Chairman, and CEO,